Various Jokes
These are the jokes we have
left over.
There was a young soldier
who went on sick parade.
'What's the trouble then?' asked the MO.
'Sir, I've got a pain in my abdomen, sir .'
'Now listen, soldier,' said the MO. 'Officers have abdomens, NCOs have
stomachs. What you've got is a pain in your belly.'
A titled gentleman. decided
to economize, so when he left his club, he didn't hail a taxi as usual,
he caught a bus instead. And when he got inside, he said to the conductor,
'17 Courtchester Square, please. And it's quicker if you go through
the park.'
A filthy old tramp knocked
at the door of a stately home and when the lady of the house opened
it, said: 'Please could I have a piece of fruit cake?' 'What do you
mean -fruit cake?' said the lady. 'Surely some bread would be better
for you?' 'Ah, maybe,' said the tramp, 'but, you see, today's my birthday.'
A majestic Rolls-Royce was
reversing into a parking space in London, when a grubby little Mini
nipped into the space from behind. The Mini's owner, a brash young man,
got out and strolled past the Rolls-Royce saying, 'You have to be young
and fast to do that.' The enormous car's owner did not look at the young
man; he just continued reversing and squashed the Mini into a tangled
heap against the curb. Then he got out and handed the astonished young
man a card with his insurance details, saying, 'You have to be old and
very rich to do that.'
Our house is semi-detached.
The walls are so thin you can hear the neighbours changing their minds.
A young couple went to the
building society. 'Excuse me,' said the husband. 'I earn £20 a
week. How do we stand for a mortgage?'
'You don't,' said the clerk. 'You grovel.'
'Could I speak to the landlord,
please?'
'Speaking.'
'It's about the roof...'
'Yes?'
'We'd like one.'
A very fat man met a friend
who also used to be fat, but was transformed into a little, trim figure.
He'd lost two stone in two weeks. 'How did you do it?' asked the fat
one. 'Diet?'
'Partly,' said the trim one, 'but it's drugs mainly. I went to Dr Brown
and he gave me these amazing tablets.'
'But don't they have unpleasant side-effects?'
'No,' said the other. 'They're very nice. Every night when I go to sleep,
I dream I'm on a desert island with hundreds of native girls. I spend
all my dreams chasing them round and when I wake up, I've lost another
couple of pounds.'
'That's great,' said the fat man, and he rushed off to the doctor's
surgery and got his prescription for the tablets and started taking
them. But within a week he was back at the doctor's, thinner but disgruntled.
'What's the problem?' asked the doctor. 'You're losing weight.'
'Oh yes,' he replied, 'but my friend has this marvellous dream about
chasing native girls. I dream I'm on a desert island, but it's full
of ghastly cannibals, and they chase me all night.'
'It's quite simple,' Dr Brown explained. 'Your friend's a private patient;
you are on the National Health.'
Ordinary people go to champagne
parties; hypochondriacs go to sham pain parties.
A connoisseur was showing
a friend his collection. 'Come this way. Look, I must show you this.
It's the pride of my collection - a globe of sixteenth-century manufacture.
It's in gold, you see, with the countries picked out in diamonds, and
the trade routes picked out in silver. What do you think? 'Incredible.
Is it genuine?' asked his friend. 'Well, if it isn't, I was done for
two pounds,' came the reply.
'Tell me about this hobby
of yours - parachuting. When did you first take it up?' 'The day my
plane caught fire.'
Two rather simple types
hired a boat at the seaside one day and went fishing. They had very
good luck and caught lots of fish. 'This is a good place,' said one.
'It'd be good to have another go tomorrow, but we'll never find it again.'
'Don't worry,' said the other, 'I've marked the side of the boat with
a cross. 'That's no good. We may not get the same boat tomorrow.
