Jokes about Pets
I used to have a fish as a pet. Poor little thing it was deaf. So I
bought it a herring aid.
'Do you know what happened when I washed my hamster in detergent?'
'No.'
'It died.'
'I'm not surprised. I could have told you detergent wasn't good for
hamsters.'
'It wasn't the detergent that killed it. It was the spin-drier.'
'Do you know, every day my dog and I go for a tramp in the woods.'
'Oh, does the dog like that?'
'Yes, but the tramp's getting a bit fed up with it.'
A flea went into a pub and ordered a double scotch. And another. And
another. And another. He drank them all down and at closing time, he
hopped unsteadily out into the street, then leapt in the air and fell
flat on his face. 'Oh no!' he exclaimed, 'someone's moved my dog.'
There was a bloke who paid 500 pounds for a talking dog and took it
home to show off to his friend. 'Look at this,' he said, 'a dog that
talks.'
'Ah, come off it,' said his friend. 'I'll offer you ten to one it doesn't
say a word.'
'Right,' said the owner, and told the dog to talk. Nothing. He wheedled,
threatened, cajoled. Nothing. His friend roared with laughter, pocketed
his winnings and left. The owner turned on the dog furiously. 'Why didn't
you say something. you stupid animal?'
'Not so much of the stupid,' said the dog. 'Just think of the odds you'll
get next time.'
Two cats met in the street. 'Meow,' said the first cat.
'Woof,' said the second cat.
The first one tried again. 'Meow.'
'Woof,' said the second cat.
'Cats don't say "Woof",' said the first one.
'Sorry,' said the other. 'I'm a stranger around here.'
An old lady was very proud of her well-behaved parrot and was showing
him off to the vicar. 'And he talks, you know. But none of those rude
things that parrots usually say. He's very religious. If you pull his
right leg, he recites the Lord's Prayer and if you pull his left leg,
he recites the Twenty-Third Psalm.' 'That's remarkable,' said the vicar,
'quite remarkable. And what happens if you pull both legs at once?'
'I fall flat on my back, you stupid old twit,' said the parrot.
